An Open Letter From A Brokenhearted Litte Girl
Yesterday was a real eye-opener for me. I haven't cried so continuously in a very long time. I wasn't sure why or what was causing my waterworks. I only felt it fish through me freely, with little conscious effort or thought. Maybe I has been holding it in for a few months. I felt so full!!
I am not a wreck...thank God.
I am strong, independent, financially able and stable, ambitious, curious about new adventures and I'm still a child of God. So those things, I am grateful.
Lately, my bf and I have been arguing ferociously. I take the blame in some of it.
He asked me if there was anything that I might be carrying over from my last relationship to ours. And at first I didn't have an answer.
He wondered why a man would suddenly abandon his young marriage without giving a strong reason. "What do you think you did to push him away?" I'm not sure. I've asked my self that question many times. He wasn't happy, didn't love me enough and wanted to leave. Simple. After piecing through the many things he said, that's my conclusion.
And then he said that I needed to find closure.
So do I need closure? I'm not sure. I don't want to have to sit in a Starbucks with him to find it either. His impatience in loving me is enough closure for me. God allowed that door to close and I will be happy for that.
Some minutes of silence later...
The realization hit me that I don't feel safe. Not in a "a burglar might come through my window kind of way"...but my heart does not feel safe.
That's what I carried over. I'm not jaded. I'm not bitter. I'm not manipulative. ...certainly
Not angry or vengeful.
I just feel unsafe, unstable and not secure.
I don't trust easily as I did. I question motives. And I leave the "do you wanna breakup" conversations on the tip off tongue because I really don't want to be blind sighted again.
I now know that anyone can leave at anytime without struggle, any anguish on their part with little or in my case, no remorse. I now know that what you work late hours for, plan getaways with, build your wealth towards can simply say...I'm out and that would be that.
I thought I was worth fighting for but that was my naive..
(...the truth is...I am.)
But can't be in that situation again. I won't be.
Note to self: keep your money up and your chin higher. Don't leave God because he has carried you through.